Confused and Clueless
by greatdumbking
Summary: In which Merlin is having trouble discerning just what his heart is telling him and Arthur is discovering that his heart has a voice.
1. Chapter 1

He sees Gwaine making a strange face at him, wiggling his eyebrows and pointedly looking from him to Arthur. This makes him smile, but the type of smile that is layered with emotion. He is half-way to laughing because Gwaine looks downright hilarious, but his mind is somewhat restrained from joining in with the laugh because of the strange feeling the implication of the joke brings. He's been here before. He's been over it in his head far too many times to count.

And yes, it's a funny joke to imply that he and Arthur are, you know, well. That they _like_ each other. But Merlin's not so sure it's only a joke. It's difficult really, to have to deal with this spinning round his head every time he sees Arthur undressed, or smiling at him. He's constantly asking himself _'what is this im feeling? Friendship? Something different?' _And it is just downright exhausting.

Most of the time, he thinks in his bed when the candles go out and he is not yet sleeping. He turns it round in his head.

_Today he was smiling, and he called my name twice. He laughed at three of my jokes. _

These thoughts would make him smile. He would catch himself, though, and try to figure out why. Sometimes he was convinced he liked the prince _that way _and sometimes he was convinced that he doesn't. That he was just happy that such a friendship could exist between them.

But one thing was certain. He got jealous.

Seeing Guinevere in Arthur's chambers made him feel _weird_. He had a faint urge to punch something whenever he walked in on them doing nothing more that talking. He didn't like the feeling. Like his chest could cave in and his entire self disappear. This- he told himself- was not normal for 'just friends'.

But then again, he wasn't attracted to Arthur, although at times he would catch himself appreciating Arthur's aesthetics. He would test himself by thinking up scenarios where he, for whatever ridiculous reason, had to kiss the prince. He didn't like these scenarios. They were not appealing. And this- he told himself- was not normal for 'not just friends'.

What exactly did he want from Arthur? He had no idea. He just knew that he valued the prince more than he knew he could value anyone. And he would be happy to keep living this way as long as he could continue whatever it was they were doing.

He hoped at least, because thinking about this stuff was hard enough. _Imagine living it._

So here he was. Helping an injured Arthur back from the training ground with the knights as Gwaine was making obvious gestures that suggested Merlin's care for Arthur was going past strictly duty. Arthur had fallen and strained his ankle. Nothing to worry Gaius about, they just needed to get him rested back in his chambers.

When they reached the stairs to his chambers, the knights went down the other corridor to the changing room, and Merlin took on the task of getting Arthur up the stairs. He placed his arm around Arthur's waist and told his mind to _shut up_. His heart didn't get the message, and something in his chest tensed.

"Not so mighty now, are we Arthur?" He said with confidence. He had been noticing that witty comments were his first instinct when something strange was happening. Not a bad instinct to have. He grinned up at Arthur with a stupid grin that he hoped showed Arthur that everything was normal. Nothing weird here.

"Shut up Merlin."

Now that the knights were gone, Arthur was showing a lot more pain on his face. Merlin toned down the grinning.

"Is it really bad?" he asked, making sure to sound genuine so that Arthur would know his previous comment was just a joke.

"I need rest that's all"

They reached the top of the stairs and made their way to the room, where Merlin helped Arthur lay down.

" Do you want me to go get some pain medicine from Gaius?" Merlin asked as he began to untie Arthur's boots.

That was a dumb question, Arthur would never admit to needing help for such a small injury.

"Would you mind?" Arthur replied tentatively, to Merlin's surprise. It was entirely uncharacteristic of him. But then again, Merlin had been noticing the gradual change in Arthur's behaviour around him. He supposed they'd almost died in each other's presence countless times that Arthur was no longer concerned with showing weakness. Merlin didn't mind. He thought it made him special.

_Not as special as Gwen._

Shut up.

Merlin smiled at Arthur and went to get Gaius muttering something about the prince being a wimp as he left the room loud enough for Arthur to hear. As he closed the door he thought he heard a thank-you, which made him feel nice inside. He'd just leave it at that. Nice.


	2. Chapter 2

A week later, Arthur was storming around the castle on his newly healed ankle. He was looking for Merlin, the twat. He had been missing the one morning, so he had gone to Gaius, who suggested the tavern. Naturally Arthur had sent someone to check for him there, but no luck. He decided that if Merlin was missing, and not just in the tavern, then he probably had a reason. So Arthur had left it.

The problem was that had been two days ago, and Gaius still had no idea where he was. Arthur wouldn't admit it out loud, but he was beginning to worry. And worrying made him anxious. Hence the storming.

He had made a mental list the night before of all the things that could have happened to Merlin. They were not comforting thoughts. As he lay there in his bed, his mind rambled off:

_What if he had been collecting herbs and then was injured by an animal? Or what if he fell down a ravine and is right now in pain and hoping I'll show up to help him?_

_What if he got an urgent letter from his mother and rode for Ealdor? What if he's needed there and will never come back?_

_What if he was kidnapped? He _is_ beautiful, and he would be an easy target without me to protect-_

Here he stopped. He sat up in bed and frowned. Had he just described Merlin as beautiful? It had just slipped into his brain as any other thought. He lowered himself back onto his pillow and stared at the ceiling, allowing himself to mull over this idea.

He could see himself calling another man handsome. But beautiful? And yet that's exactly what Merlin was. The ease of the thought surprised him again. He knew Merlin held a special place in his heart, but he never thought…

Arthur turned onto his side and willed himself to stop thinking of such things. It was unprincely. He slowly fell asleep, and although he wouldn't remember in the morning, he dreamt of rescuing a helpless Merlin as he was told he must do for a princess.

Now in the hours of the day, these thoughts returned to him. He even contemplated going to his father to organize a search party, but his father would simply laugh. Then it hit Arthur that maybe this was none of his business. Although Merlin knew everything about Arthur, Arthur knew very little about Merlin. Perhaps Merlin had simply decided to leave Arthur, maybe he had run off with a friend. A lover.

This made Arthur stop in his tracks. The thought that he didn't even know if Merlin had a lover, let alone other friends made him feel a sadness and anger he had never felt so strongly before.

_Jealousy. This must be jealousy._

Why am I jealous? Merlin's just my servant.

_He's much more than that and you know it._

Oh god. Oh god. Arthur panicked. He did the only thing he knew. He ran to the stables, got on his horse, and rode.


	3. Chapter 3

Merlin woke to the sound of water dripping. He jerked awake and remembered where he was.

The cells.

This had to be the third time he'd been down here, but all previous times he had known why. Now he had no idea. He remembered walking back from Arthur's room last night only to have two guards come around the corner and drag him away. They had locked him in the small cell without a word. No one answered the questions he shouted at them from behind the bars, and after a while his voice became coarse and he gave up, resigning himself to a night on the straw scattered floor.

He would try again now that it seemed to be a new day. He got up and looked out at the guards table, where two men were sleeping. Fat lot of good they were. He could just use magic and leave anytime he wanted, he supposed. But that would not be smart as he figured someone of import ordered him down here and would likely be both angry and rightfully suspicious if he were to disappear.

He decided not to wake the guards, as they certainly wouldn't answer questions if he angered them. He slid down the wall to sit on the floor and wait. Who was angry with him? Was it Arthur? He didn't think he had done anything wrong lately, and he thought that if he had, the prince would just confront him with a joke and maybe a well-aimed jug thrown at his head. He had noticed that Arthur lately had stopped abusing his power around Merlin. He stopped reminding Merlin he was a prince. Maybe it was to make their friendship more normal. Maybe he really valued their relationship, Merlin had thought. So it couldn't have been Arthur that shut him down here. Unless he had been reading into things too far and nothing had changed.

Wasn't that a pleasant thought.

But that was the thought he was left with for the long hours ahead of him.


	4. Chapter 4

Two guards reported back to Uther's chambers. The boy had been found, they had said. He was now in the dungeons.

Good.

Was it good? He was a little skeptical about what he was doing, but then again he was king and could therefore do whatever he pleased. And it was for Arthur's own good. Yes, he thought. This is the right thing to do. The only thing to do. The problem had to be fixed, but before that, he needed to be sure there was a problem.

Two nights ago, he had gone into Arthur's chambers late at night to ask for his opinion on a decision he had come to and would announce the following day around the borders. He hadn't thought Arthur would be asleep. When he was a boy he had stayed up into the darkest hours of the night reading. Yet there he was, sleeping soundly. He looked like a child again, and Uther was reminded of the days of the past, a smile making its way onto his hardened face.

This moment, however was interrupted by a sigh coming from Arthur.

"_Mmhmmerlin_"

Uther stiffened. Merlin? The serving boy? What business did Arthur had uttering the boy's name in his sleep?

Arthur turned over and gripped a pillow, bringing it closer to him and smiled.

_"__Merlin" _it was barely audible, but Uther had heard loud and clear. He frowned and turned to leave.

Uther had spent the last two days thinking over the meaning of such an occurrence. His mind had jumped to a conclusion that night. It was one he didn't like, but as he thought more about it, the more likely it seemed. Arthur was… _attracted_ to the Merlin boy. He didn't want to think about whether the same went for Merlin with Arthur, and if they had _done things_ about it. He became horrified the more he thought about it.

It made sense, they were always together. And it seemed they were always laughing and having fun with one another. He had often seen Arthur and Merlin exchanging meaningful looks, but he had thought nothing of it before. Now he was beginning to see just how meaningful they may have been. They even went on every trip together, even when it was not required that Merlin go along. Those trips alone in the woods, Uther didn't want to think about it.

He didn't have any proof that his mind was running away, however, so he had decided to see how Arthur reacted to losing the boy. The lengths he would go to in order to find him would prove enlightening as to the inner workings of Arthur's heart. It sounded cruel, but so was letting such an affair continue.

It needed to be done.


	5. Chapter 5

Arthur rode as fast as he could into the forest.

Jealous?

No. Well yes. He was jealous.

Worried?

Yes. Definitely. The possibilities overwhelmed him. All the danger Merlin could be in right now.

But this time the possibilities included running away with a friend, a lover, someone more important than him. And Arthur didn't know which hurt more, an injured Merlin, or a Merlin in love. What a heartless thought to have.

Arthur searched for hours in the woods surrounding the castle that day, until he finally couldn't take it anymore. He was starting to cry. He, prince Arthur was losing it over some dumb boy who probably doesn't care about him anyways. Who might be dead.

No no no. No. Merlin wasn't dead. No.

He dismounted his horse and sat down by a tree, making sure to be hidden while he calmed himself down. Did Merlin care about him? Merlin was Arthur's life. His only real friend. And he'd not appreciated Merlin enough. Now that he was gone, Arthur realized just how much he depended on the other. But Merlin- did he feel the same? Was he missing Arthur? Did he care? Did he think of Arthur as a friend? All the abuse Arthur throws at him daily came crashing down on Arthur.

How could he be so clueless? Of course Merlin wouldn't care.

He had messed up. He had lost his only friend. He had lost the most beautiful person he had known.

He hadn't even told Merlin was his only friend. That he valued him above everything.

So much for calming down. Right there in the middle of the woods, Arthur broke down.


End file.
